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This post has been written and re-written over a number of days, yet the words don’t come easy, so bear with me whilst I struggle through. I’ve been scared to say it, as if hiding makes it not true. Thanks to AOW, I’m grateful for somewhere I can even start to manage this. Some of you will know who is writing, but you’ll also understand why this is BCD in an attempt to save face and not tell All The Internet everything right now.
There have been only a few tears; angry, defeated and distraught. There have been no slammed doors, thrown crockery or muttered curses. Most of all there’s been sadness, a feeling of grief and a blackness that only a sense of mourning can bring.
Splitting an almost 8 year old team is difficult, confusing and painful. As any supporter would know, once you’re a fan, you’re always a fan; season ticket, kit and all.
When I said my vows I meant from the depth of my heart – ‘til death do us part, for better or for worse. I could cope with any hurt, with sadness or arguments, because I knew together we’d deal with it. What I can’t handle is coldness, as if a switch has been turned off. I am not a person that gives up easily, I’d rather lose a limb and bleed to death through trying than simply throw my hands up and relent. For me, giving up is the easy way out, I want to try, to battle through and come out the other side.
But he’s walked away, defeated and lacking fight. I loved that fight. That team spirit.
This feeling of failure does not sit well with me, but no amount of pleading or begging is making him change his mind. I have run out of help and words of kindness to give, and am only left with the option to swallow my pride and watch him pack up his things, find a new home and walk out of ours. I want him to try to be happier. It hurts me to let that happen, but I always said I’d support him.
I can’t promise I’m going to wait to see if he changes his mind, because the man I married told me that we ‘are better than divorce, we are a team’ – and I don’t look kindly upon broken promises.
I’m attempting to look forwards rather than back, onwards and then up, but at the moment all I see is the emptiness, failure and the fact that I now have joined the statistics of young divorcées.