Behind Closed Doors: Why Are You Trying To Be Brave?

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“why are you trying to be brave?”

 

The question that unravelled me. Like watching all the stitches you’ve neatly made come undone, unfolding to the ground.

Nothing and yet something.

 

I think about that look, that instant I knew something wasn’t right.

 

I think about whether they’ve got this early enough.

 

I think, I know I’m ready for a fight… but I need to know the arena, I need to know the opposition. I think the days are taking double the time they should to get me to that information. I think the nights are worse. Tell me what I’m fighting. I’m ready to fight.  JUST TELL ME WHAT I’M FIGHTING AND GET ME IN THERE.

 

I think waiting with this news is like being dropped in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night with no map.

 

I think about my hair. Will I lose my hair? I think about how ungrateful I’ve been about it. I take it back. I take it all back.

 

I think about whether I will get that tattoo now.

 

I think about all the CV’s I sent over the last month and how “sorry, I got cancer” might not be a great opener at interviews.

 

I think about how I hope this is the primary. They don’t know if it is yet. I think about how little I know about what that even means.

 

I think about turning up and them saying “we got it wrong” and I savour those seconds when I believe that.

 

I think about that child, that beautiful child I tuck into bed each night. It comes back to that every time, every round of thinking.

 

I think about trying not to think.

 

I think about that question, the one the consultant asked “why are you trying to be brave?”

 

…and I think because you don’t know me yet, you don’t know that I am strong and I AM brave and I say it over and over again.

 I’m not trying, I am strong and I am brave and you’ve got nothing to tell me that will break me so don’t ask stupid questions. 

Categories: Behind Closed Doors, Health
17 interesting thoughts on this

17 Comments

  1. Posted September 18, 2014 at 7:45 am | Permalink

    All the hugs. Life is precious and also extremely hard. I hope it will get better, I hope you will get answers soon. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.

  2. kate g
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    I got chills reading this. The circular pattern of thought is beautifully expressed. I LOVE your last 2 sentences Anon, your power radiates off the screen. I hope the waiting ends soon so you can plot your direction. Huge hugs. xxx

  3. Posted September 18, 2014 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    You’re breaking my heart, anon. All the loving and forward thinking thoughts pushing you through.

  4. HayleyB
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    This is incredible writing anon, I don’t think I could ever be as articulate with my thoughts, let alone on this subject. I hope you get answers soon. Sending completely inadequate hugs, and positive thoughts your way.

  5. Fee
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 9:21 am | Permalink

    I feel like words are inadequate Anon but you are right – your writing shows that you are strong and you are brave and you will fight as hard as you can because you have everything to fight for. Wishing you strength and love and all of the luck in the world x

  6. Posted September 18, 2014 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    You are brave, you are strong and you will kick the arse of whatever this is. It leaps from every word on this page. Incredible writing. xx

  7. Posted September 18, 2014 at 9:48 am | Permalink

    Your strength and bravery leap off the page. Bring the fight and we’ll all be here as your support team xx

    • mysparethoughts
      Posted September 18, 2014 at 12:13 pm | Permalink

      Seconding Linsey’s comment, when you need a timeout or some back up we will be here for you.

  8. A friend
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    The most amazing person I know who fights for, and supports, and nurtures, those she loves. Who can write so beautifully, with such honesty, about something so hard. Never held my breath so long. Never felt prouder of a friend.

  9. Posted September 18, 2014 at 10:36 am | Permalink

    Brilliant writing. Wishing you all the luck in the world with your brave battle x

  10. Pennie
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 2:09 pm | Permalink

    It can be done. I hope writing this helped – do it often, even if only you read it.

  11. Becca
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    Fingers and toes all crossed you brave brave unbreakable girl (or boy) x x x

  12. Posted September 18, 2014 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    Seconding previous posters’ thoughts that your determination and bravery is shining out of the screen. My words can’t match that at all but wishing you all the strength and love in the world to fight this x

  13. Marie Pye
    Posted September 18, 2014 at 10:42 pm | Permalink

    I was just feeling a bit sad, for no reason at all. I wanted a warm, safe place to feel loved so I clicked on AOW and this post.

    Thank you for writing it and I want to hear you roar in that fight, please keep posting xxx

  14. Caroline H
    Posted September 19, 2014 at 6:26 pm | Permalink

    Seconding everything everyone has said – you are so obviosuly brave, a fighter, and you will beat this. And we will all be here to offer whatever kind of support possible. Cxxx

  15. Katielase
    Posted September 20, 2014 at 10:30 am | Permalink

    You are phenomenal, you brave, strong, incredible woman. Sending you all the love and positive thoughts for kicking the ass of this thing,

    KL xx

  16. Ro
    Posted September 20, 2014 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    You sound amazingly strong Anon, and incredibly brave. Fingers crossed they caught it soon enough and really good luck in your fight. Stay strong. Xx

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Hello! We're Clare, Aisling and Anna and welcome to a corner of the world where smart, flawed, real women talk about the bigger picture; about their experiences, stories and opinions on all aspects of being a woman today, from marriage to feminism to pretty, too.

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