Denial

Happy Monday, readers.

The love, the sadness, the frustration and pain, oh the love.  In this post, Marie writes so evocatively about it all.  We’reused to hearing about parents that didn’t stay together from the kids’ perspectve.  What about the mums (and dads)  who suffer with the consequences?

Over to you, Marie:   

I hate it when my child goes away to visit his Dad for the weekend.

 

There.  I’ve said it.

 

I tell myself that it is good for him, that his Dad loves him and he loves his Dad.  That he gets something different from his relationship with his Dad that I don’t provide, not better just different.

 

I tell myself it’s good for me.  That I need the break.  That I can be a better parent when we are together because I have that time.  That I need the time to study so that I can get my career on track to provide a life and an example to him.  That I love the lay-ins, the luxury of free un-frazzled time.

 

I tell other people that.  I tell them I am lucky, grateful for the brilliant experience that I get to have of parenting. The best of both worlds.

 

For a while I believed myself.   Suddenly today I didn’t any more.

I stopped lying about what its like to have to pretend to enjoy cooking and eating, when its just for one.  To have to stop myself from listlessly wandering round the flat picking things up absently.  To struggle to concentrate on any study I try to do anyway.  To feel I have to make good use of my time because I am so lucky to have this time to be able to do all the things I need to do. To count the hours, while I’m busy doing things, till he returns.  Always aware that I MUST be sure to be relaxed in readiness.  To sit and relax.  I must relax.  Relaxing is very important.  (Have you ever tried to relax when you feel you have to?  When you feel lost, anchorless, like half your soul has been ripped from you?  It’s a bit like someone is sat opposite you shouting “RELAX” every 30 seconds.)

 

Maybe I can see it like that now because I have been reading about psychological defences a lot (denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, girl).

 

Or maybe because we have had a month without contact.

 

A month where the only signs of Daddy were missed skype calls.  Or connected ones where Daddy fails to remember the name of the new teacher, again.  A month without having to pull sobbing arms from my neck as he begs not to be made to go.  Without dealing with a ball of rage and exhaustion for the first few days after he returns.    A month where he hasn’t been torn by his split life.  A month where my beautiful boy has been settled, content and most of all happy.

 

Its not just that I have created this lie to protect myself emotionally.  This is my life and I have to see the positives.  But actually, if I had the choice, I wish he didn’t have to go.  I don’t sleep in anyway.

 

Tomorrow he goes again.  Somehow I have to believe again.

 

So I won’t tell my friends how hard it is.  I won’t cry to them about how awful it feels not to know where he is, who he is with.  To know that if he falls or is frightened someone else will hold his hand.

 

But I thought I would tell you.  Because maybe you feel the same way.

 

Categories: Becoming a Mother
4 interesting thoughts on this

4 Comments

  1. ChirstyMac
    Posted September 22, 2014 at 8:10 am | Permalink

    Oh Marie, I just want to send you massive hugs to help you through this upcoming Dad-time, and each next one after that. I can only imagine how hard it must be. Especially harder for being seen as ‘a gift of you-time’ from the outside. If it’s any help at all, you do sound like you handle what is a very hard situation with a lot of strength, even if maybe it doesn’t feel like it. X

    • Marie Pye
      Posted September 23, 2014 at 11:40 am | Permalink

      Thank you. I wrote this Thursday night and he did go without tears this time which is good. He seems much more settled about it at the moment so fingers crossed. Its hard when something hurts and you can’t change it…I’m trying to go with the Maya Angelou advice though!

  2. Posted September 23, 2014 at 8:34 am | Permalink

    Marie you are simply amazing! I cannot imagine how it would feel to be in the position you described but remember that you are putting your boy first and that is selfless and brave, even when he gets let down by his daddy. I hope sharing your frustrations with us has helped even a little. Sending love x

    • Marie Pye
      Posted September 23, 2014 at 11:40 am | Permalink

      Thank you – I do feel a bit better just for admitting it. There is a certain Peace in accepting feeling rubbish I guess!

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Hello! We're Clare, Aisling and Anna and welcome to a corner of the world where smart, flawed, real women talk about the bigger picture; about their experiences, stories and opinions on all aspects of being a woman today, from marriage to feminism to pretty, too.

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