Hold on when you get love and let go when you give it

Today’s is from Siobhan and it is a beaut. With her trademark gutsiness, sense of adventure and blinding honesty, Siobhan talks about moving your love and your life, making new friends and leaving old ones behind. In her email to us, Siobhan mentioned that the title of her post is fast becoming her new motto/theme tune. i can’t think of a better one to live by…
It is a sunny day in Leith.  Matthew and I have taken our skateboards out to a secluded slope near the water and are practicing picking up speed.  I keep bailing. Each time I get a little bit further and a little bit faster before the fear builds up and I jump off for fear of falling off. I jump off because that way I am off the board by choice rather than something taking that choice away from me. The feeling of flying and freedom is too much so I jump off to feel the comfort of the familiar ground beneath my feet.
We are six months in to the move now and there is the possibility that this could be everything we ever wanted it to be.  Things are by no means perfect but there are some amazing opportunities. We have met some fabulous people through the AOW community and in other ways. I do a whole lot more exercise than I used to, get out more and we are open to some even bigger changes but I find myself freaking out. The idea of getting what I want scares me so I try to find problems.
Commuting to London was really difficult but it gave me a bit of familiarity. Something to cling onto and a way to keep a connection to a life I loved but was really struggling with. I miss my friends and colleagues from home but that is something I was prepared for and that is sad but not a problem. I thought making friends would be a real struggle but we seem to have lucked out with that. As such I found myself on one Saturday night after attending two brilliant gatherings with plans for more time with friends coming up worrying that I had TOO MANY friends. I think I am just used to worry.
I found that a massive urge to self destruct crept in.  I pretty much set out to try to figure out how I could most quickly destroy what I had.  How could I undo the fact that I live in a beautiful flat by the water, with an amazing husband, making friends and going out and living the life I want for myself? I actually had plans to destroy it because I felt it had become too easy. I was flying and scared of falling off. I wanted to bail.
Bailing is not an option though. All this might feel like it is coming far too easily but actually it is a lot of hard work that is coming to a point of serendipity and for that matter it is not perfect. The reason we are meeting people is because we say yes to every invitation and go out and meet people. I have seen a bunch of things come together and start to point to an eventual career path that feels like a vocation now but this is following about five years of thinking and at least six months of wondering if it could be a good fit. None of this happened overnight. I worked for this. And you know what? If I fall off and skin my elbows, I will have learned something, and I will have had the courage to feel free and try. I will have let go of my need to control things and felt what comes when you open yourself up to really experiencing life and I think that is worth something.
Hopefully I can go further next time we take out our skateboards. I want to feel the speed, the exhilaration the freedom. I think it could be really good. 
Categories: Family, Friends and Relationships
7 interesting thoughts on this

7 Comments

  1. Posted July 2, 2014 at 7:47 am | Permalink

    LOVE. THIS!

  2. mysparethoughts
    Posted July 2, 2014 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    Brilliant post, as always! So pleased that things are going well and you shelved your destruction plans.

    • Posted July 2, 2014 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

      Thanks. It’s very tempting to destroy it all though. Always. It’s like vertigo but the ride is *so* much better

  3. Posted July 2, 2014 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    So good to hear that things ar working out. Hope the work stuff pans out too- sounds exciting!

    Px

  4. Posted July 2, 2014 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    What a fabulous honest post! It’s so lovely to read that Scotland it working out for you both x

    Ps I am still sad that we haven’t met yet!

  5. Posted July 7, 2014 at 5:39 pm | Permalink

    Fantastic, honest post x

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Hello! We're Clare, Aisling and Anna and welcome to a corner of the world where smart, flawed, real women talk about the bigger picture; about their experiences, stories and opinions on all aspects of being a woman today, from marriage to feminism to pretty, too.

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