Behind Closed Doors: Not Giving Up

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I have been married for 2.5 years and have recently found out that my husband has been having a short lived affair with someone else. My life was turned upside down the day I found out. I have not had a moment where I felt truly happy since that day. I am generally a fairly upbeat person and I am trying so hard to remain positive in the face of everything that has happened but it just hurts so so much and is so so hard.

I decided quite quickly that I did not want to give up on my marriage and relationship and despite having had a number of wobbles on this front over the last few weeks along with thoughts of “how can I possibly live with the knowledge of what he has done” and “surely I deserve better than this” I do know deep down that I would always wonder “what if” if I didn’t even try and I feel the marriage deserves a chance.

I keep questioning myself though and I am constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing or if I am just desperately clinging on to something that no longer exists. My life has changed unrecognisably overnight. I genuinely had no idea. My husband was still so affectionate towards me, we were always doing new and fun things together, we literally just bought a house and planned to start trying for children this year.

I am trying to be strong and carry on enjoying the other parts of my life, the bits without him, to the best of my ability but I feel like there is a constant pain and sadness in my heart. I never knew life could be this cruel and I guess that is because up until now I have had a pretty easy ride. I hope to grow and learn from this and I am trying to focus on that as well.

I have confided in one other person only. I don’t want to show the world that we have failed and that our marriage is so flawed. At times I feel more alone than I ever have before.

I guess I have sent this post in to just have another place to vent and talk and try to explore my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for listening.

Categories: Behind Closed Doors
17 interesting thoughts on this

17 Comments

  1. ChirstyMac
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 8:21 am | Permalink

    I really truly feel for you anon. I don’t know if being able to write this and maybe feel like you have been able to confide in a community that really does care has felt helpful but I hope so. Big hugs. X

  2. anon
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    Oh anon… I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Its sucky completely.

    I’ve been through this, hence anon. It was on a much smaller scale and closer to the beginning of our relationship. I felt awful, it was the only thing I could think about for ages. The reasons we got through it were that he was genuinely sorry and wanted to work on our relationship to get it back, and I thought our relationship was worth it.

    One piece of advice I’d give is yes, be hurt and angry. But if you choose to work through this then at some point, not now but in the future, you will have to put it behind you and never use it to score points or win arguments. You will have to forgive him truly.

    Good luck and I hope its worth it. Also sorry for crazy phone typos and things…

    Good luck, I hope it works out and is with it

  3. Posted January 29, 2014 at 8:57 am | Permalink

    Oh goodness, this is so sad. You can really feel your sadness in your words. Have you shown your husband what you’ve written? I don’t think you’ve failed at all. That you want to try to make it work again is proof of that. And you say how happy you were before you found out about the affair.

    I don’t think you need to show a positive face if you don’t feel it. The worst thing you can do is bottle up your feelings and pretend that you’re not hurting. I don’t believe you’re alone – but you don’t need to tell all and sundry if you don’t want to – just one good person to talk to can be what you need.

    A friend of mine discovered her husband had been having an affair after 1 year of marriage (and 10 years being together beforehand) and she said that being able to vent and be listened to and to be hugged really helped with the strong emotions she felt. It didn’t fix anything in itself, but it felt stabilising and cleared the way for her to think about what to do. Perhaps you could talk to Relate or someone else professional if that feels more comfortable?

    Well done for writing this article at such a difficult time. Here’s another virtual AOW hug for you.

  4. Mrs Berry
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    I have done this very same thing. I have been in your boat as the AOW ladies know. I remember that cloud of grief following me around and the churning stomach. I also remember a very strong feel of embarrassment and shame that my husband had made such a shambles of our lives. I also wanted to make it work and threw myself at fixing it. The outcome isn’t important because we’re all different people. I hope it all works out for you and that you get to shake off the cloud.

  5. Ro
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    I think you’re brave for wanting to work at it and give your marriage another chance, and I think you’re wise in recognising that you could regret it if you walk away at this stage without giving it (and him) another chance.

    You haven’t failed at all but I can see how painful it could be to open up if you feel you or your marriage (or your husband) is going to be judged by others – I’d second Lucy G’s suggestion of counselling or seeing someone professional if you’re feeling unwilling/unable to talk to many friends or family. Having someone totally outside my usual life to talk to and unburden myself onto really helped when I was going through a difficult time and feeling like I was investing time (and money) in making myself happier felt positive.

  6. deltafoxtrotcharlie
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    Sweet girl, please please please get yourself to a counsellor. Together and separately. I cannot emphasize enough how much it will help, especially if you feel like you can’t talk to other people about it.

    Relate are amazing but there are others.

  7. Posted January 29, 2014 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    I can only imagine how you are feeling right now and from that alone I can see how brave you are to stand up and say you’re going to give your marriage another chance.

    Having watched other people go through this after varying lengths of marriage I can only reiterate what those above have also said. Seek councelling, talk to whoever you feel comfortable whenever you need to, don’t bottle up what you’re feeling for fear of what others will think and if you do work things through you need to really forgive and forget.

    Whatever that outcome may be know in your heart that it’s for the best and that we’re always here. xx

  8. Fee
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    I wish I had some sage advice or words of wisdom but all I can think of to say is that I am so sorry this has happened to you and I really hope things work out. It sounds like you are being so brave and strong but don’t be afraid to lean on the people who love you.

    Wishing you all the best going forward x

  9. Posted January 29, 2014 at 3:07 pm | Permalink

    You are beyond brave and I hope your husband deserves you. I’m yet another one who thinks counselling would be beneficial -for both of you as a space for you to both express the emotions you’re feeling (do you know what made him have an affair in the first place?) and for you to help you comprehend what has happened.
    The very, very best of luck x

  10. Posted January 29, 2014 at 3:34 pm | Permalink

    I want to echo those who say that you have not failed, this is not a sign of failure.

    I also want to echo those who recommend counselling both as a space for you and for you to talk to each other.

    And finally I wish I could give you a hug. This is so hard. x

  11. Caroline H
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 4:47 pm | Permalink

    Oh, you poor thing, what an absolutely awful thing to go through. First and foremost, here’s another virtual hug from me, to add to the AOW bear hug all round that you clearly need. I agree with everthing everyone has said, and wanted to say two things: I don’t believe there is a “right” or “wrong” way of dealing with this – all you can do is make the best decision you know how to at the time. You’ve made the really brave decision of trying to work through this and work on your marriage, and you deserve an enormous round of applause for this. I don’t think, whatever happens, you will regret having done this. And – and this is really important – you have NOT failed. Everytime that thought comes into your head you must banish it – you are facing an enormous trial, but that’s not failure. Take each day as it comes, and don’t beat yourself up about the fact that you’re feeling terribly sad – of course you are, it would be strange if you weren’t. And, to echo what others have said – please find someone to talk to, be it a counsellor or a trusted friend. All love and best hopes for you that you can work through this.

    love caroline xx

  12. Rachel
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 6:24 pm | Permalink

    Another virtual hug from me *hugs*

    I don’t have any practical advice, but I just want to tell you that I’m currently going through the same thing. I didn’t want to tell anyone either – but I would advise you speaking to a few people. The support from friends and family is irreplaceable.

    Also, consider relate. They’ll see you together and separately as part of the process and it really could do the world of good.

    Thinking if you and wishing you the best of luck. If you want to talk to someone who doesn’t know you or your husband please let me know :)

    X

  13. Anon
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 9:18 pm | Permalink

    Thank you very much for all the comments today, it’s great to hear the advice and just to know that I am not completely on my own here.

    I have been to see a counsellor and will keep it up as it did help to talk through it all.

    Rachel – I am so sorry to hear you are going through it as well. It would be great to have someone else to contact that is independent and also going through if you are ok with that as well?

    Thanks again everyone x

  14. Rachel
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 11:16 pm | Permalink

    Anon – I’m sure the lovely AOW ladies will pass my email address on to you – can someone do that for me? I give my permission :) I’m afraid mine isn’t a very happy tale but I am happy to just listen – sometimes that’s all you need. Sleep easy, your days will surely get better xxx

    • Katie
      Posted January 30, 2014 at 9:48 am | Permalink

      Hi Rachel, how lovely you are! I can do that, I’ll send Anon your email address now :-)

      KL x

  15. Emily
    Posted January 30, 2014 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Anon I would just like to agree with what everyone else has already said. You are most definitely not a failure and you are most certainly very brave. I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling but I will say that my mum decided not to give up when my dad had an affair a few years ago. At first she didn’t tell anyone, not even me, and it made her ill. You are doing the right thing speaking to your friend and seeking counselling. I hope that, with this support, you can work through this horrible thing life has thrown at you and be happy with the outcome, whatever happens.
    xxx

  16. Kate G
    Posted January 31, 2014 at 5:32 am | Permalink

    Hi Anon,

    Just throwing in the mix that sometimes when you just dont want to talk, or cant, writing things out may help too. Venting onto a blank page knowing that no one else will see it (unless you want to share which you have bravely done today) can be very carthartic. It can also help identify patterns and triggers as you process through this, that you may have been unaware of.

    Wishing you all the very best and another big hug from me. XX

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