Behind Closed Doors – Sex Dreams

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This post is about being married and still having sex dreams about people who are not the person you are married to.


This post is about having them not about celebrities but about real people you know.  Real people you know who are kind of hot.


This post is about having such vivid dreams you feel guilty when you wake up and see the gorgeous person you married lying next to you looking all sleepy and sexy.


This post is about the fact that when I mentioned this to a friend she said “Oh I get them too.  I think once you are married your standards rise and that is why you have sex dreams about your friends and colleagues and not celebrities any more.”


This post is about asking all of you if that is true for you.

In the interests of encouraging sharing and sharing in a way that keep this fairly clean, I’m going to tell how I got to the point of writing this.  Until I met my husband I always had vivid sex dreams, and since I’ve been with him I’ve had a few, mostly about him and thought that maybe once you settle down you stop having them because you are just so darn satisfied.


Then out of the blue there the dream came. It was about a guy from work who I had been doing a lot of work about recently and it was HOT.  And I realised so was he.  We had inadvertently flirted once or twice and then not talked for ages in real life.  We have loads in common but never made it to actual friends in real life, but in my dreams? Wow.  If you noticed I said dreams as a plural that is because there was a whole series of dreams.  I was feeling so guilty! Was this a sign something was wrong with my relationship?  Did it mean I really fancied this guy from work?  What did it mean?


Thankfully at the point where I thought I might go mad I called a very good friend who said this was all normal.  She also agreed with me that the guy I was dreaming about was hot (thank you internet) and that made me feel better.  It turns out it was nothing to do with my relationship, just that I was thinking about work too much and that I might be about to stop working with this guy and I’m going to miss him.


She said she reckons it is almost a treat for those in marriages and long term relationships to have vivid sex dreams because it is the only way we will ever have or want to have sex with anyone else.


But what do you think wise women of Any Other Woman?  Is it secretly just me and my friend doing this or are we all at it in our dreams?

Categories: Behind Closed Doors
28 interesting thoughts on this


  1. Posted August 15, 2013 at 8:20 am | Permalink

    Hi Anon,

    I’ve never had sex dreams about my fiancé or anyone else so I can’t directly help you there.

    However I have talked with my fiancé, our vicar and other people about what may be the wider issue here… You get married or meet someone you’re serious about. You’re happy, they’re gorgeous to you, you love them, you’re sex life is great. Awesome. However this doesn’t stop biology. You don’t suddenly have a blank on the rest of the male race. They will be attractive. They may even be tempting.

    This means nothing apart from you’re still a heterosexual female. I’d say it makes a lot more sense for it to be tall people and not celebrities, personally. The important thing us to recognise they are attractive, you are human, and then to make sure nothing happens in real life.

    You can’t control your dreams so don’t feel guilty. Concentrate on the real.

    Hope my perspective helps! K Xx

    • Posted August 15, 2013 at 8:22 am | Permalink

      P.S. Oops predictive text! Tall = real.

      • Posted August 15, 2013 at 9:56 am | Permalink

        I agree with this completely. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t see a hot man on the tube and think how much of a fittie he is. It just means you would never act on it.
        A good old man-perv never hurt anyone.
        I’m pretty sure my husbands eye is caught by skinny blondes with pretend knockers regularly but I know for a fact he would never dream of cheating me. He can look as can I.

        • Posted August 15, 2013 at 10:22 am | Permalink

          Exactly. You’re married, not blind…

      • Posted August 15, 2013 at 1:46 pm | Permalink

        Tall people are pretty good too!

  2. Fee
    Posted August 15, 2013 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    I’ve been mulling over my thoughts on this post and whilst I don’t have any strong feelings about sex dreams, the opinion of your friend that ‘I think once you are married your standards rise..’ is the kind of thing that I consider borderline insulting to unmarried people – and in fact, married people. I have a husband but my standards haven’t risen sufficiently that I don’t fancy celebrities anymore! That’s usually the kind of thing I usually see photoshopped over a picture of a rainbow on Facebook.

    I appreciate that you did not voice that opinion though.

    • Posted August 15, 2013 at 9:22 am | Permalink

      I agree with Fee on this point, to be honest apart from the initial “Oooh, we’re husband and wife, let’s have MARRIED SEX”, being married has had no effect at all on our sex life, it’s continued to be the same as it was before. I don’t think my standards have changed, if anything my personal standards for such things as the wearing of sexy pants have dropped, but to be fair that happened pre-marriage. It seems a bit of a shame to me, to suggest that marriage makes a real difference to sex.

      With the sex dreams, I do ocassionally have them that aren’t about my husband, but they’re usually about strangers, not people I know or celebrities. It’s never worried me though, I have dreams where I kiss women, I have dreams where I swim through curry, I have dreams where I fly to the moon and panic that I forgot to say goodbye to my family, I had a dream once I gave birth to a baby with a full bushy moustache. Dreams are just dreams.

      KL x

      • Posted August 15, 2013 at 10:21 am | Permalink

        Dreams where you swim through curry. That nearly made me laugh out loud!

        • Posted August 15, 2013 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

          Oh my gosh you really had a dream where you swam through curry? That sounds amazing! I often dream I am a famous person and once had a dream I was in the Scooby Gang and we toppled Mick Jagger’s wicked scheme and he said “I would have gotten away with it too…”. Such a vivid dream I keep thinking it was an episode of Scooby Doo? Was it?

  3. Posted August 15, 2013 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    Some of my favourite dreams are sex dreams about celebrities. Where else am I going to get the opportunity to get it on with someone from Greys Anatomy?
    In relation to dreams about people I know that happened before I met my husband and still occasinally does now. So what? As KL said dreams are dreams.
    I have very vivid dreams every night and could go on for days about them but they are generally just gobbledegock. I think you’re reading too much into it.
    Ps. Your husband looks sexy first thing in the morning? You lucky thing, mine looks like a homeless man.

    • Posted August 15, 2013 at 10:05 am | Permalink

      Haha. Mine looks alright but smells like a homeless man…!

      • Posted August 15, 2013 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

        This comment made me actually snort with laughter Gwen!

  4. Posted August 15, 2013 at 10:04 am | Permalink

    As far as I’m concerned, this is TOTALLY NORMAL! It’s just one of the things that noone talks about. One of my friends calls it dream-cheating, which I find a bit odd – it’s not exactly a concious decision. If it makes you feel better, I’ve had rudey dreams about a couple of ex’s and a (female) friend. I’ve also had rudey dreams about faceless people, and, strangely, the blonde one out of Westlife. I don’t even know his name, and it all happened in a childhood friend’s house. Odd.
    The whole thing about a dream is that it is completely not real. I am a vivid dreamer and often have dreams that are so scary (to me) that they’re almost nightmareish – teeth crumbling while I’m talking, being pregnant, family dying etc. Horrible, yes – but just a dream!

    I also am not convinced about your friend’s attitude to marriage, partly as a non-married person. All sense of making an effort went out the window when we started cohabiting which has so far been 2 years before getting hitched!

  5. Anon
    Posted August 15, 2013 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    I want to defend my friend! I think she was trying to comfort me! Please don’t go hard on her. She is lovely and was being nice.

    As for the rest? I think the idea of commitment sometimes freaks me out. I love my husband but don’t think fate was involved or that he was my only option. I think the reason I freaked out about these dreams was that there was some real actual chemistry with the guy I dreamt about. And I know that if things were MASSIVELY different (we were both single, we met in another context yada yada) that I could probably have been in there (or he would have been in there with me? I never understand that one).

    I’ve got an itch like the supposed “seven year itch” in relationships in the past and always let it wreck them so I think this time I had the dreams and to be honest a few (lot) of waking thoughts and decided to just not do anything. This is a first for me. I kind of have a compulsion to try and lure men (which feels like it is a terrible thing to admit) which I have been working very hard to control for the whole time I have been with my husband. Thankfully I never stay alluring for long as I freak out and (in some cases literally) run away.

    I’ve had another sequence of them again since and I actually reckon part of the dreams are, for me, about power and feeling like I have it. A massive part of my single girl experience was knowing I had a certain charisma thing that gave me power (which is AWFUL to say but there it is) and now I’m having to figure out a different and better way to have power/authority/assertiveness/whatever.

    Glad others think it is totally normal! Also love the idea of having a dream about swimming through curry! And yes my husband does look sexy first thing in the morning. I lucked out there. His voice is great then too.

    • Posted August 15, 2013 at 3:15 pm | Permalink

      To me this sounds potentially dangerous.

      As I said above, fancying other men is normal. Thinking or worrying about this and freaking out is normal.

      You need to be able to control the situation so that it never gets to a stage where you feel you are in danger of violating the “faithful” part of your marriage vows, physically or emotionally. And if you can’t do that you need to get away.

      Temptation happens and I think doesn’t necessarily say anything negative about your relationship and marriage. It’s normal. And maybe if situations had been different etc etc… But they’re not, and you don’t want to risk jeopardising what you have for it.

      Sorry if this sounds super preachy. It massively freaked me out the first time I felt mildly attracted to someone else and we’ve since discussed it as a couple. Could you try that? Maybe if you both acknowledge you’re humans with libidos etc it will become less of an issue that you need to hide away or worry about?

      • Anon
        Posted August 16, 2013 at 9:21 am | Permalink

        Hey, I think I do it in dreams so I DO NOT do it in real life. It is hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it I guess but I am reasonably sensitive and can feel chemistry and in the past when I felt it people chose not to reciprocate for intellectual reasons (she is not cool enough, she is too young yada. yada) so I lost faith in that sensitivity and I think in later years I always went too far to prove I was right?

        But I choose my husband every day. That was what I was trying to get at. I love him and I have chemistry like woah but the thing is I married him. I chose to choose him every day for the rest of my life. And I do. And I will. I think that might be why I have the dreams, maybe it is better in dreams than in real life?

    • deltafoxtrotcharlie
      Posted August 15, 2013 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

      I hear you on the power thing, Its something I’ve struggled with (and still do). The feeling of knowing that you can attract people if you wanted to and the feeling when they respond to it gives you confidence but it stems from insecurity, in my case anyway. I come across as really confident and outgoing, with everyone, including the future Mr DFC but I still have big bouts of insecurity and doubt. I’m working really hard to make sure I never let it ruin what I’ve got now.

      I’m not offering advice or anything, just saying, you’re not the only one.

      • Anon
        Posted August 16, 2013 at 9:24 am | Permalink

        YES. This is totally it. Insecurity is a massive part of it. But like you I am working on it every single day.

        And to be honest, though this one freaked me out a good dream can be kind of fun, as long as it stays there (particularly dreams about hot, intelligent artists/musicians who have principles and love animals, I think the intellectual connection as mentioned by Hollie is key in attraction, I also think that is what my friend meant? That once you discover that extra component it becomes the key to attraction, not just looks, but I don’t think that is true of everyone)

  6. Jessie
    Posted August 15, 2013 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    Totally brilliant topic! I have 2 guys (and Ryan Gosling!) I have ‘interesting’ dreams about. One guy I left behind in Australia over 10 years ago and I harboured a romantic notion of just going back one summer and knocking on his door for years, really until I met my now-husband. And one guy, it was just an unfulfilled flirtation, but man did we flirt. So there we go, there was always ‘something that could have been’ with both of them. It wasn’t meant to be, I have a fantastic husband but being married doesn’t kill off that brain cell that dreams and ‘what ifs’. This is totally laying my soul out there but they’re a pretty useful ‘fluffer’ for real life I say!!!

    Answer me this though – why is the Australian guy always in a tent? I hate tents!!

    • Ro
      Posted August 16, 2013 at 3:21 am | Permalink

      Just had to say I loved this response!

      I hardly dream at all any more-about anything-and I kind of miss it. Maybe I need to eat more cheese…

  7. Amanda M
    Posted August 15, 2013 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    Last night I dreamt that a hamster sized insect jumped on to my shoulder and I awoke literally screaming my head off (frightened the life out of my husband!). Your dreams sound more fun.

  8. Posted August 15, 2013 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    I once had a dream where I thought there was a twix on the bed and I was genuinely disappointed when I woke up and it wasn’t there!

    I do think these kind of dreams are normal, and it sounds like your subconscious is trying to process those thoughts or feelings, especially as you say that you enjoy the feeling of ‘luring’ men and that feeling of power. I suppose the main thing is that you didn’t act on those thoughts you were having.

    • Anon
      Posted August 16, 2013 at 9:25 am | Permalink

      Never will. Or at least never plan to and will keep my hands off other men because frankly they are not my husband and he is pretty darn special.

  9. holly
    Posted August 15, 2013 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    Since we’re behind closed doors… I do find the attention of attractive men a bit… heady. I am happily married as well, and get plenty of attention from my husband, but every so often I find myself noticing that other men are noticing me, and it’s a pleasant feeling. It’s also such a cliché. It usually happens either with older men, or French men, and especially with older French men–my line of work brings me into contact with people in this category. I’ve found they are into artful, philosophical conversation, but with a flirtatious element. I think usually it is totally harmless.

    Of course, there are exceptions, when I remind myself I have to be careful. And there have been some dreams as well – usually when I have been intellectually engaged with the person. I think it is normal…

    • Anon
      Posted August 16, 2013 at 9:17 am | Permalink

      I think the intellectual engagement is what I find most attractive, and where it gets a little dangerous, but I chose not to act so I guess my dreams can be where those actions end up happening…

      • holly
        Posted August 16, 2013 at 7:29 pm | Permalink

        Exactly, maybe it’s actually ideal if an intellectual connection can be played out in one’s subconscious.

  10. Mira
    Posted August 16, 2013 at 1:04 pm | Permalink

    I’ve had these sorts of dreams a handful of times over the last 5.5 years (the length of time my now-husband and I have been together). I do wake up feeling a little disturbed but then remind myself that it’s just NOT REAL. That said, I haven’t actually divulged any of these dreams to my husband…

    It’s normal to have crushes outside of your marriage. It only becomes abnormal or problematic when they start occupying your thoughts really often or if you take action on them… which I don’t and neither do you. Just because you’re committed to someone doesn’t mean that you automatically stop finding other people attractive in some way. For me, it means that I no longer develop any romantic interest in these attractive people… they’re just nice to look at or talk to, that’s all.

  11. Anon
    Posted August 19, 2013 at 9:49 am | Permalink

    Oh yes, been there, had those dreams… the main thing I found is that the guys in the dreams are never the same as in real life, i.e. in the dream there’s all that sexual chemistry but then I wake up and interact with the same guy in real life, it’s not long before I remember there’s very good reasons I am not marrying/married to them. You can’t control dreams, but reality happens for a reason, if that makes sense.

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