Having a baby is life changing. Gaining a baby and losing a husband within the space of less than three months is more than life changing. It’s enough to make some people fall apart. I’m certain I would.
Abby (whose story you can follow at her new blog here) wrote this post for us a little while back now, but we’ve only just had the space to post it. It’s a piece written with great strength, and dignity, about something that it would be easy to be bitter and resentful about. Her hope and desire for a better future for her daughter are inspiring, and I know that there are lessons that we can all take from her positivity.
I am a new mum and newly single after a 10 year relationship, 3 of which were in marriage. My daughter is only 11 weeks old and the bombshell my husband was having an affair hit just before New Year when she was only 9 weeks old.
Now they say that time is a great healer but it’s only 2 and half weeks on and I still cry every day. I wonder how much time will pass until that stops?
The tears are for different reasons as my emotions and outlook on what happened oscillate daily. It is a bereavement: a bereavement for my old life before pregnancy, a bereavement for the man I thought I had married and a bereavement for the life I thought I was going to have for myself and my daughter.
However, some days I feel relief too. I no longer have to feel lonely in the same room as my husband. Pregnancy forced me to adapt and change. He couldn’t – a control freak who felt out of control for once and couldn’t cope with the idea of responsibilities and growing up. I’m no longer sweeping under the carpet the weaknesses of my husband and no longer feeling my most vulnerable, as I did at the end of pregnancy and early days of motherhood. I’m getting my balls back- or is it my pelvic floor?
My beautiful daughter has been my rock and I hers, when he should have been for both of us. She is getting more bonnie every day and her personality is coming through every day and I can be proud that it is all down to me. After a few teething problems in motherhood I now feel like a natural and motherhood fulfills me in every way. That is one of the positives I have to take from this. She will be kind, loyal and generous, all the things her Father failed to be, in the end. Finding positives stop me from going under. The other positive is that I can afford to be selfish now – no more compromise. My dreams for the future may have been shattered but I’m enjoying creating new ones in my mind. So, I shall list below the dreams I now have for my darling daughter and I. It will be interesting reviewing them in a few years time:
- Cherishing every day with my daughter and keeping a video and photographic diary of her milestones.
- A 2 bed little cottage somewhere, which I can furnish how I like. Bring on the soft furnishings and scatter cushions.
- Working part-time
- Swimming lessons with my baby
- Learning to horse-ride with my daughter
- Going on a girlie holiday (friendship has won out through all of this)
- Meeting a man who will spoil me
- 5* holidays (not the travel lodge or hostel)
- Running a B&B in St. Ives
- Learning to scuba dive.
- Re-marrying with a fairy tale wedding day I didn’t do the first time around.
Number 7 and 11 may seem unusual in my current position – surely I should hate men? But upon reflection, I did have 10 good years with my ex, he is the father of my child and I hope he will be a good Dad, albeit part-time. He was my best friend for that time but to stay in a relationship you have to stay on the same page and want to turn to the next chapter together. Pregnancy forced me to grow up and adapt, whilst my husband is forever young. And so, we grew apart over a short and life changing space of time. When the going gets tough it’s fight or flight. He flew. But I know there are men out there with bigger balls and who will love and support and persevere when times are tough. Although I am realistic, I know it will take me a long while to find that person. My baby is my priority now.