One.

Zero to Three.

Headlong into the unknown. Joy. Pain. Excitement. Adoration. Love.

Late nights and early mornings mingle, tangle together incomprehensibly.  The world is far away, behind a mist. You glow, like a beacon through the fog, giving me direction.

Fatigue. Blur.

Existing. Surviving. Managing.

Love like no other; fierce and honest and true. Inhaling your tiny sounds and sighs.

Grief for a life no longer mine. Your need terrifies me. And awes me.

Smiles. Beautiful smiles. Giving me reason.

Three to Six.

A breath. Weight lifted. Moments of freedom.

Drifting and waking. Often together. Not deliberately, but somehow pre-destined.

Face full of light. Shining.

Time is confused. Days take months to pass; months go by in mere days.

Moving, rolling, sitting. So fast.

Tears and laughter. Sometimes in harmony. Often from both of us.

Recognition. I can’t tell whether I’m looking at myself, or at you. Recognising myself in your reflection. We’ve become one. Inseparable.

Worry and guilt. Guilt and worry. Guilt over worrying. Worrying over guilt. Forever now.

Six to Nine.

Marvelling at the changes every day. But nothing has changed. You are still you, and always will be.

The truest laughter I’ve ever heard. Raw and pure.

Play-time. Bubbles and babbling. Moving now.

First foods. Mess. New experiences; delight and disgust.

Motherhood becomes easier, more manageable. I feel lighter.

Sleep. Sleep changes everything. Every minute extra that you give me is like a gift, wrapped up in beautiful paper and a red shiny ribbon.

Independence. Less need for me, more desire to be near me.

Sureness that you were meant to be mine. That no other person could have fitted so perfectly into this hole in my life that I didn’t know that I had.

Nine to Twelve.

Outisde now, longer than you were inside.

Blossoming.

Personality developed, but not fully, like a negative only half exposed. Already set in stone, but so much more to learn.

You’ve always been this person; I know that now.

Daring, passionate, friendly, independent, fearless. Mostly fearless. Don’t lose that.

Stand, fall, stand, fall. And repeat. Determination. Resolve. Grace.

Pride. Overwhelming, heart-bursting pride; exploding inside, like fireworks.

Joy.

One.

We made it, you and I. Somehow. One year. Here’s to so many more.

 

 

Categories: Any Other Baby, Becoming a Mother, Uncategorized, Written By Clare
22 interesting thoughts on this

21 Comments

  1. Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:07 am | Permalink

    Pure poetry, delight, intimacy & joy to read on a cold December morning.

    • Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:36 am | Permalink

      Rachel. This is so much more eloquent than Aisling and I, who basically WEPT and sniffled something about how it MUST BE POSTED

  2. Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    This is beautiful. And that picture! Those little legs!

  3. Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:16 am | Permalink

    Beautifully poetic and honest. It’s making me well up as I lie next to my 6 month old girl (she has yet to receive the memo about more sleep though…).
    Happy birthday little one!

  4. Katielase
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:40 am | Permalink

    Absolutely perfectly beautiful. This is the most wonderful piece of writing I have read in ages, and I may be welling up over my cereal over here.

    K x

  5. Posted December 13, 2012 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    This is a delightful piece of writing, imagine having one written each year then reading them all on your 18th birthday. Beautiful words and a fitting photograph of both of you – the support of a Mother, the independence of a daughter. I really want to give my Mum a huge hug now!

  6. Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:25 am | Permalink

    Crying. Beautiful thing for E to read when she’s older.

  7. Frances
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    This is so lovely and heartwarming to read. I love how she looks so independent and determined in the picture, even though you can only see the back of her head!

  8. Posted December 13, 2012 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    Darn it you warned me and I didn’t listen!
    I started off and I was like “it’s OK, there’s not that much writing, I totally won’t cry…”
    Bawling at my desk now.

  9. Posted December 13, 2012 at 9:48 am | Permalink

    Beautiful, just beautiful. x

  10. Posted December 13, 2012 at 10:36 am | Permalink

    Had a little cry this morning before I left for work reading this. So beautiful.

  11. Alex
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Wow, amazing writing. Gave me the goosebumps. Am all for writing one of these for each Birthday. Would be such a beautiful :)

  12. Posted December 13, 2012 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    Absolutely beautiful, Clare. x

  13. Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm | Permalink

    This piece: sheer beauty
    Wondrous, radiating joy
    It gave me shivers.

  14. Sharon
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful girl, beautiful mamma, beautiful writing x

  15. Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm | Permalink

    Just adorable in every way.

  16. Louise
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm | Permalink

    Sniff, sniff…just beautiful. I can’t wait to experience this first hand…only 5 more months to go!

  17. Posted December 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

    Crying

  18. AK
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    Nice post.

  19. Sarah
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    Wow, x

  20. Chloe
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    I can’t believe I have only just seen this.
    Absolutely beautiful. And honest. And perfectly you, E and your journey together.
    x

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Hello! We're Clare, Aisling and Anna and welcome to a corner of the world where smart, flawed, real women talk about the bigger picture; about their experiences, stories and opinions on all aspects of being a woman today, from marriage to feminism to pretty, too.

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