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I feel unworthy. It comes and goes in waves, and more often than not, I know I am not unworthy. I know I am not unworthy of friendship, of love, of happiness. But the thought is always there, in the back of my mind and sometimes that thought overrides all others.
As I write this now, I feel I shouldn’t be, as if I am an intruder into a community of people so wonderful that I do not deserve to be a part of. As if my voice should not be heard amidst the voices of all the amazing people here. I was once a regular reader, but I stopped. Partially because I could not get online regularly, but mostly because I felt like I didn’t belong.
Foolish, I know. When have you all not supported one another, no matter what views are held? When have you all not rallied around with support and words of comfort when one of the community has needed it? But there I stood, feeling like a clumsy ugly duckling, contemplating commenting on posts so many times, very rarely doing so, until I decided enough was enough and so…I stopped.
I feel like this at work. In a small office full of lovely people, I banter with them, I joke and debate. I put up a front and act as if I feel like I belong. But always I wonder if they miss the person I replaced and wish she had never left. She is one of those people who electrifies the room with her presence and warmth. I am the quiet girl in the corner, the one who observes carefully before tentatively approaching a group of strangers, who comes across as cold and aloof.
I feel like this amongst my family. Lively, loud, exuberant and sociable, I am the bookworm who spent her teenage years reading and studying. As for friends, I have so very few because so many of whom I have loved with all my heart have fallen by the wayside and I am scared of giving my all to people who will not return it. I look at who I am, and compare myself unfavourably to the people around me. I do not feel intelligent, articulate, confident. I am terrified of being rejected, and so I lock myself away. I put up barriers against potential hurt. But those barriers have done nothing but made me feel lonely.
I write this because I know I am not alone in having some of these feelings. A person at work, a person capable of so much, who went though a horrible time at the beginning of the year, feels out of place in the office. A very dear friend of mine, until recently, thought himself unworthy of love. So many people I talk to feel like they are not good enough. That they are not intelligent enough, well read enough, funny enough. Somehow, so many of us feel that we are not…enough.
And yet we are. We are worthy, we are good enough. And I need to remember I am, too. Even if I sometimes find it hard to believe.