32 Weeks

*Today is Two Post Tuesday, so make sure you come back at 1pm to see what we’ve got lined up for you – it will definitely be worth it*

I’m not sure which is bigger; the bump or the bags under my eyes.

Firstly – I feel the need to apologise for the baby heavy (pun definitely intended – I am feeling HEAVY right now) posts that have been flying out from my direction recently. I promise that the next post you get from me won’t be baby related. Much. I’ll try anyway.

In my defence though, it’s hard to think of anything else when you have had a foot wedged underneath your left rib for the past three weeks. Which is not only slightly bloody uncomfortable, but also leads you to the realisation that HOLY CRAP there is really baby in there. A real one. With feet. And I GREW THOSE FEET.  

Which is pretty amazing when you come to think of it.

It also though, leads on to the thought that in less than two months (52 days according to Baby Centre) that baby will be here. Outside of my uterus. And I will be entirely responsible for it.  Feet and all. 

So you can see why I’ve been slightly preoccupied with it all recently. 

I don’t think I need to tell you that I am not naturally maternal. I’ve not dreamt of having a baby since I was five. I was never the little girl carrying around a doll pretending she was mine. I’m more likely to be found cooing over a cute puppy/pair of shoes than I am over a baby. So it’s been kind of a strange transition period for me. 

I never really knew if I wanted children. Not really. I didn’t have that feeling that it seems like every other woman gets where they just know in their bones that they won’t be fulfilled unless they have a child. I wasn’t in the ‘I never want children’ camp either though. I was just… ambivalent. I didn’t dislike the idea of having a child, but I also worried about what having a child would mean for me. I like my life. What would have to change? What would I have to give up? But most importantly, I worried about being good at it. Without that maternal feeling, would I not automatically make a bad mother? Would I ever feel about my future children the way I see others do? So I put off the decision. It was something that I could think about ‘later’. Another time. A decision that didn’t need to be made yet.

But then fate stepped in, and my decision was made. Here I am, 32 weeks pregnant.

Throughout those 32 weeks, growing from someone who never got ‘the baby thing’ to someone who is falling in love with the baby that they’ve not even met yet has been something of a shock to me. To already be having hopes and dreams for this little baby, to feel protective over them already, was not something I was expecting.

That makes me seem naive probably. Everyone falls in love with their baby. I know that. I just didn’t know that I would. I worried that without that maternal gene I just wouldn’t feel like everyone else does. Despite this, every day my feelings towards what was once a little bundle of cells, and will soon be my very own little bundle, have grown exponentially. 

Imagining who this little person is going to grow into keeps me up at night. 

Worrying about how I’m going to be as a parent; as a mother, means that I can lose hours in my day. 

Just like when I first started falling in love with Andy, and every time I saw him that love grew, every movement that I feel deepens the love that I feel for this baby (apart from the ones in the middle of the night – baby, if you’re listening, can we make a deal that we all sleep through between midnight and seven, okay? We should really get that clear right from the outset.)

I know for most of you, those of you who have children or just know that you want them, none of this will come as a shock. But I thought if just one of you worries and doubts yourself like I did, I wanted to let you know – it’s ok. The story can turn out happily ever after. Although try asking me if it feels fairytale-like in approximately three months time and I may have another (sleep deprived) answer for you.

Categories: Any Other Baby, Becoming a Mother, Family, Friends and Relationships, Life Experience, Uncategorized
14 interesting thoughts on this


  1. Posted October 11, 2011 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    Clare, more baby heavy posts welcome here!

    You look amazing, such lovely skinny arms and legs – you will bounce back into shape post baby with a figure like that!

    Both my sister in laws were the opposite of maternal before having their babes. One is heavily into horses, the other – rabbits. They'd never even held a baby before having their own, and they took to motherhood like a duck to water.

    I on the other hand, maternal as they come, adore babies and always told how good I am, what a natural I am, only to be a nervous wreck with my own baby when he was born. What's that all about??

    On that theory, you'll be just fine.

    You look beautiful, I still dream about feeling the baby kicking me (despite how much it fecking hurt those last few weeks!)

    Jen x

  2. Posted October 11, 2011 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    Oh so lovely! How lucky is AOB to be able to read all your posts back one day and have such a record of his/her parents?! So many happy thoughts for the next couple of months and I agree- keep the baby posts coming!

  3. Posted October 11, 2011 at 8:38 am | Permalink

    Agreed. Where IS all the fat?! Reading this made me a bit warm and fuzzy on the inside- not to be mistaken for heartburn. Life changing is not the half of it. Exhaustion doesn't do well to describe it…but they're addictive little beggars and you're making me broody. I don't know about the KL time difference my solemn oath to be a source of breast feeding support stands xx

  4. Sarah
    Posted October 11, 2011 at 8:46 am | Permalink

    Clare, your posts almost always echo my thoughts and worries on all these topics – it's weird! Happily, you are also always a few steps ahead so I can take it all on board… I've just had a conversation with a colleague this morning who asked 'the baby question' and I replied with the truth – it's so scary, what will I have to give up, what if I'm no good at it and then it's too late because the baby is already there? It's reassuring to know that others have the same worries, as most of my friends appear to make the decision to go ahead and procreate seem really easy. Also, from a purely vain and selfish point of view if I look even a 10th of how good you look as a pregnant lady, I'm going for it!! x

  5. Posted October 11, 2011 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    I hear you, lady. I am shitting myself enough as it is about getting a DOG. I have never been maternal at all. I once very nearly dropped my friend's little brother, and I actually did drop my own little brother. Whoops.

    I suspect, for me, it will be a little like getting married. I didn't particularly want to get married until, one day, I just did. And then it was all I could think about. So if I suddenly start banging on about babies and nurseries and liddle teeny baby clothes, you'll know the switch has flicked…

  6. Posted October 11, 2011 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    My Mum always tells me a story about being preggo with me. She says she went to antenatal classes, and everyone there was all excited and happy and couldn't wait to give birth and bring up their baby, they were maternal and perfect. My Mum on the other hand, whilst certainly excited, was the only one to say she was scared. To admit to being flat-out pant-wetting terrified of the responsibility, of whether and how she'd cope, of overcoming her anxieties and insecurities, and whether with all these anxieties, she could ever be a good mother.

    After all the births the whole class met up again, and round the room everyone said how it was so much scarier than they thought, so much bigger and more serious than they had ever anticipated. This time my Mum was the only one to say she had taken to it naturally, that it was wonderful. And, as the product of that experience, I can testify that she was and is the best Mum I can possibly imagine.

    I suspect the moral of this story has always been that it is okay to be scared, and to say so…. but you probably don't need to worry, actually. :-)

    K x

  7. Posted October 11, 2011 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    Aah, lovely bumpage. Rather jealous of the skinny arms and un-expanded arse. Mine is probably going to grow to the point of consuming the sofa when it's my turn.

    I have no doubt that you will be a wonderful mother when little AOB makes her appearance. Plus you have all the AOW wise aunties to keep you right. I think any baby who has you, Aisling and Anna in their lives is going to be just fine.


  8. Posted October 11, 2011 at 12:33 pm | Permalink

    I'm so chuffed to have photographic evidence to Gaige bump size in relation to the tale of not being able to sit down properly anymore. Forewarned is forearmed and all that…!

    As I said when I read this yesterday, I'm so excited for you that YOU'RE excited and so proud of you-YOU GREW FEET!!!

    Loves you both xx

  9. Gemma
    Posted October 11, 2011 at 7:19 pm | Permalink

    Wow, I could have written this post 6 months ago!!
    My little bean was breech, and despite all efforts refused to turn so c-section it was! I was petrified the whole 10 days before my section, not as everyone thought because I was scared of the operation but because I was scared of the baby that had been inside me for 39weeks…I can't even hold babies for godsake (for the record I can only hold my own even now, I nearly dropped my friends!!)
    But that first magical night, it was incredible. Once they had dragged my lovely man away and I tucked my gorgeous girl inside my awesome-o nightie thing I couldn't take my eyes off her, I literally fell hook line and sinker for her, the curve of her lips, the size of her eyes and of course those tiny tiny hands.
    So Clare, don't worry you'll be great coz that little baby knows you already and will teach you how go be the best mummy he/she could possibly need…trust me on that one :)

  10. Posted November 1, 2011 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    You are looking amazing!

    I have the same worries about whether ill be a good mother, which im sure everyone does; my theory is just to learn as we go and hope it goes ok!

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Hello! We're Clare, Aisling and Anna and welcome to a corner of the world where smart, flawed, real women talk about the bigger picture; about their experiences, stories and opinions on all aspects of being a woman today, from marriage to feminism to pretty, too.

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